So I keep putting a few things off. Not just school and work type things.
When I found out Sid was gone, I immediately dug up my copy of Until the End of the World to sit down to watch it, because we were the only two people we knew that loved that movie. I made it like five minutes in. The movie opens with this monologue about Solveig Dommartin’s character, about how she drew people to her despite her flaws, and holy shit it knocked me on my ass. I forgot there was a big reason Sid loved that movie; Claire reminds me of her in a lot of ways. Since then, I’ve tried to go back multiple times, and it’s always an emotional roller coaster and I tap out.
The other thing is I’ve tracked down a copy of The Fool’s Errand, which is the old puzzle game she used to play when we’d sit up after game sessions and talk for hours. I figured I’d play through it in honor of her; I’d never done more than tinker with it back in the day. But again, every time I wheel it out, it’s a bit of a gut-punch.
The third is that bottle of applejack I’ve got in the cupboard. That one I’m actively trying to avoid, though, because I don’t want to do myself the mischief. It was originally going to be my blackout drunk on the anniversary, but as I stated, I ended up in the hospital so now it’s something of a talisman instead. I figure as long as I keep it sealed, I’m on the right side of this thing.
But sometimes it’s not easy to do that.
When the people you love most are all gone, it’s hard to maintain a healthy interest in one’s own well-being, I guess. It does, however, make it damn easy to disconnect from everything. It’s vastly easier to be a nihilist when one has no people.
Maybe for my birthday I’m going to muster the fortitude to venture into the film or the game—and I’m also planning on eventually going down to Panama City to sit overnight on the beach and look out at the sky. I was originally going to be doing that this weekend, but the job shift changed all that. I still want to see if I can manage it, though. Orion’s up in the sky for a while yet.
(Incidentally, I signed up for Slooh, which is a cute little service where you can book time on remote telescopes around the world. The very first missions I set them to capture were images of Alnitak, Alnilam, and Mintaka. Miss you, lady of chaos.)